Triggers, backsliding, and marital life

Assalamu Alaikum (Peace and blessings be upon you)

 I have triggers- triggers that make me jealous (not in a "I want your stuff, or I want your looks kind of way) but in a my husband is mine- flaws and all and any woman that takes his time, distracts him, or flirts is essentially taking a part of my life (and my time) because my husband is my life- as we share a life and family together.

from my understanding it is known as:

"protective jealousy"- and actually that pretty much sums up the feelings I have in regards to when the triggers hit, and I may or may not (more often than not) get anxiety at the thought of another woman taking something that is not hers *in real life scenarios and not made up stories in my head. I am obviously not talking about family members.

My problem- over the years I have grown very protective of what is in my home, and what we (as a family) can control. I obviously can not control women who are outside (at work, at the store etc) flirting with my husband, asking for his number etc but we (Yes, we) control how we respond to those scenarios, and last but not least I have become quite protective of what is watched/seen in my home (not just due to protective jealousy but because I don't want my children exposed to indecent things) so I have many extensions on google chrome (which is all we use) and ad blocks. We only ever watch cartoons,  documentaries,  news, and religious sites/videos.

The bigger problem is due to discovery of what I have come to find out as (mostly) "normal marital conflicts and media usage" over the years (when I was much more lenient to what my husband and I watched) it is my belief that certain things made him more curious to what is available on the net

this is not a slander/attack post I just need to be more specific

there was at a few point and times pornographic materials being seen (not on my end)

I have forgiven whatever was, and to my knowledge it was never an issue of addiction
but it has affected me severely: emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I would even go as far to say that it has negatively affected our marriage in a big way because the trust that was once there isn't the same- there is always that nagging that (because it happened many times) it will happen again and despite forgiveness that disappointment, feeling broken hearted along with the anxiety that accompanied it has never went away. Being scared that those images, and videos would result in something worse (as if the images and videos weren't bad enough)

I know that Islamically speaking it is haram- and for most religions anyway, pornographic materials are a sin.

There is a wisdom, behind that and although we shouldn't question the boundaries set forth by the Almighty, sometimes as humans we wonder.

We get curious, we make excuses, we stray and in the end we suffer.

All of us have our weaknesses, I am no more stronger than my counterpart. I am not sinless. I struggle just as anyone. My struggles may be different, but I am not "better" by any means.

The protective jealousy in the beginning was a feeling to protect, to guard what is mine and help him guard what is his. To not deny him his rights, and to respect him regardless of his weaknesses.

With time it made me angry, ungrateful, suspicious, spying, anxious, and hurt. It affected my eman greatly but not because of the things he did or choices he made, but because of how I let those thoughts and feelings control me. After time those thoughts, and emotions became actual feelings and then I could feel its affects physically. Anxiety became normal. At times I thought I would have a heart attack or go into a stress induced coma of sorts. I am NOT being overly dramatic- that is exactly how I felt, and sometimes I wanted to not exist. I thought that his weaknesses meant I was not attractive, not loved, useless. It hurt me so deeply, and it still sometimes does but not nearly as bad. It went too far!

Now, even when a woman on a news website that my husband may brief through is showing partial cleavage or worse she's in a short dress with her cleavage hanging out- I get anxiety. It may sound silly- but it's not only true but at times can get very serious and real- It's worse with women wearing less. Which is why we can't watch movies or t.v shows or barely aljazeera because now a days it is VERY hard to watch anything without something of partial nudity (showing of parts of the body)

It starts with rapid heart beat, a "scared" feeling than I want to go into full protect mode- I don't want him seeing that- even if he is not actually looking but even images is enough for me to "lose it" inside. I can not explain the amount of emotional torture this makes me feel at times. It hurts very much and the pain is  very REAL. There are times I go into a depression, crying for hours sometimes throughout the day on/off for a few days then my mind goes back to the things which I know he looked at and it makes me feel maybe I will never let it go, and maybe we can't stay married because I want to trust him but I don't feel like he has abandoned those urges of curiosity to see other women naked.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to dislike myself, or dislike him for his mistakes. I don't want this anxiety or feelings. I don't want to feel like I am controlling him.

I couldn't sleep last night- so I called him and I don't know why but that anxiety was there- without reason and I started to ask too many questions and upset him. (he works 4pm- 4am) which also has affected our marriage and my suspicions and anxiety. When he's home at night I don't have nearly as many "episodes" and we don't have nearly as many problems but that is for another post.

anyways he became upset and said he was moving out.. which I expected. We more or less ended our conversation and I went to bed. When he got home he came to kiss my forehead, and hold my hand and although I couldn't make out what his words meant he was making dua for me while I lay there half asleep. I woke up to a clean kitchen (I left the kitchen in disarray as what happens sometimes when anxiety hits and I get distracted my thoughts/feelings) I have never neglected my children, my obligations but occasionally will neglect a single room in our house because cleaning while upset makes me more upset. (that is also for another time)


- I feel terrible. He made many mistakes in our marriage as did I. He doesn't push those mistakes in my face, and I really dislike myself for making him feel imprisoned (we can't even watch a movie) and always with questions and suspicions. I really do love him, and I know he loves me otherwise he would have left.I can't imagine being on the reciprocating end of that. To be questioned, accused or to have past experiences used as examples as to why A B C..

I AM working on it. I am not nearly as bad as I used to be. I know I will NEVER be okay with my husband looking at another women without clothing (even if she's in her underwear) and that's okay with me.. I just don't want to be suspicious or allow myself to spy on him "calming my anxiety" for the time being.. what started at something good "protective jealousy" has turned into something that I let consume me, and is no longer protective as much as it is controlling.

I just wanted to be honest..

I do think the experiences I had with the unseen also contributed quite a bit with the extreme feelings and obsessive thoughts I had (which is a topic for another post) but I want to trust him, to trust myself.. to let him be himself even if that means he will makes mistakes - I make mistakes- we all make mistakes. To learn how to cope with triggers, and backsliding into a emotional mess, and to focus on bettering my faith, and my marital life.... one step at a time



May Allah SWT guide me to what is better, and help me overcome my fears, anxiety and trust issues. Ameen!

So Grateful!!

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ (١)
ٱلۡحَمۡدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ ٱلۡعَـٰلَمِينَ (٢) ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ (٣) مَـٰلِكِ يَوۡمِ ٱلدِّينِ (٤) إِيَّاكَ نَعۡبُدُ وَإِيَّاكَ نَسۡتَعِينُ (٥) ٱهۡدِنَا ٱلصِّرَٲطَ ٱلۡمُسۡتَقِيمَ (٦) صِرَٲطَ ٱلَّذِينَ أَنۡعَمۡتَ عَلَيۡهِمۡ غَيۡرِ ٱلۡمَغۡضُوبِ عَلَيۡهِمۡ وَلَا ٱلضَّآلِّينَ (٧)

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ
قُلۡ هُوَ ٱللَّهُ أَحَدٌ (١) ٱللَّهُ ٱلصَّمَدُ (٢) لَمۡ يَلِدۡ وَلَمۡ يُولَدۡ (٣) وَلَمۡ يَكُن لَّهُ ۥ ڪُفُوًا أَحَدُۢ (٤)

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ
قُلۡ أَعُوذُ بِرَبِّ ٱلۡفَلَقِ (١) مِن شَرِّ مَا خَلَقَ (٢) وَمِن شَرِّ غَاسِقٍ إِذَا وَقَبَ (٣) وَمِن شَرِّ ٱلنَّفَّـٰثَـٰتِ فِى ٱلۡعُقَدِ (٤) وَمِن شَرِّ حَاسِدٍ إِذَا حَسَدَ (٥)

سۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ
قُلۡ أَعُوذُ بِرَبِّ ٱلنَّاسِ (١) مَلِكِ ٱلنَّاسِ (٢) إِلَـٰهِ ٱلنَّاسِ (٣) مِن شَرِّ ٱلۡوَسۡوَاسِ ٱلۡخَنَّاسِ (٤) ٱلَّذِى يُوَسۡوِسُ فِى صُدُورِ ٱلنَّاسِ (٥) مِنَ ٱلۡجِنَّةِ وَٱلنَّاسِ (٦)

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My son Yousef who is now almost 9 mths if finally on the move ALHAMDULILAH!

We have been waiting so patiently for so long, and had been worried that there was something wrong with him.. He is finally crawling, can move side to side, rolls over and all in a matter of a 2 weeks.. Subhanna Rabial Atheem!

He moved a total of 4 crawling steps forward in his crib (he was doing okay side to side and rolling) Hubby came home at 4am, we talked for a couple of hours about life, family ,and islam.. then we prayed Sobkha wa Fajr afterwards went to the room because we heard noise.. (Yousef fussing) Hubby got him out of bed and put him in our bed (which was nicely made i might add) while hubby and i sat at end waiting for him to do something.. i told him Yousef had been attempting to crawl forward.. hubby gets out the keys which have a string like necklace thingy ( i dont know what its called) and started to drag them down the length of the bed and Yousef just kept crawling forward.. Alhamdulilah.. whats more we put him in the [carpeted] floor and he kept crawling, trying so hard to go even farther and farther.. his legs dragging a bit to catch up with his eager body.. it was so cute MashaAllah

and whats more is we got to share the special moment together.. i am just so ecstatic.. it is so wonderful.. in no time InshaAllah he will be walking.. he won't be a year til March 25th so InshaAllah he has time

any of you have cute crawling, jumping, walking stories? or maybe something you want to share about your babies? i want to hear!!

I love baby stories!!

A more in depth look at marriage in Islam Part 1

*This article is not of my own. It belongs to this site> http://www.jannah.org/sisters/marr.html

MARRIAGE IN ISLAM.

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Islam, unlike other religions is a strong advocate of marriage. There is no place for celibacy like, for example the Roman Catholic priests and nuns. The prophet (pbuh) has said "there is no celibacy in Islam.

Marriage is a religious duty and is consequently a moral safeguard as well as a social necessity. Islam does not equal celibacy with high "taqwa" / "Iman". The prophet has also said, "Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from is not from amongst me".

Marriage acts as an outlet for sexual needs and regulate it so one does not become a slave to his/ her desires.

It is a social necessity because through marriage, families are established and the family is the fundamental unit of our society. Furthermore, marriage is the only legitimate or halal way to indulge in intimacy between a man and a woman.

Islam takes a middle of the road position to sexual relations , it neither condemns it like certain religions, nor does it allow it freely. Islam urges us to control and regulate our desires, whatever they may be so that we remain dignified and not become like animals.

The purpose of Marriage.

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The word "zawj" is used in the Qur'an to mean a pair or a mate. In general it usage refers to marriage. The general purpose of marriage is that the sexes can provide company to one another, love to one another, procreate children and live in peace and tranquility to the commandments of Allah.

* Marriage serves as a means to emotional and sexual gratification and as a means of tension reduction. It is also a form of Ibadah because it is obeying Allah and his messenger - i.e. Marriage is seen as the only possible way for the sexes to unite. One could choose to live in sin, however by choosing marriage one is displaying obedience to Allah.

Marriage is "mithaq" - a solemn covenant (agreement). It is not a matter which can be taken lightly. It should be entered into with total commitment and full knowledge of what it involves. It is not like buying a new dress where you can exchange it if you don't like it. Your partner should be your choice for life. One should be mature enough to understand the demands of marriage so that the union can be a lasting one. For a marriage to be valid certain conditions must be met.

1) consent of both parties.

2) " Mahr" a gift from the groom to his bride.

3) Witnesses- 2 male or female.

4) The marriage should be publicized, it should never be kept secret as it leads to suspicion and troubles within the community.

Is Marriage obligatory?

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According to Imams Abu Hanifah, Ahmad ibn Hanbal and Malik ibn Anas, marriage is recommendatory, however in certain individuals it becomes wajib/obligatory. Imam Shaafi'i considers it to be nafl or mubah (preferable). The general opinion is that if a person, male or female fears that if he/she does not marry they will commit fornication, then marriage becomes "wajib". If a person has strong sexual urges then it becomes "wajib" for that person to marry. Marriage should not be put off or delayed especially if one has the means to do so.

A man, however should not marry if he or she does not possess the means to maintain a wife and future family, or if he has no sex drive or if dislikes children, or if he feels marriage will seriously affect his religious obligation.

The general principle is that prophet (pbuh) enjoined up in the followers to marry.

He said "when a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion , so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half." This hadith is narrated by Anas. Islam greatly encourages marriage because it shields one from and upholds the family unit which Islam places great importance.

Selection of a partner:

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The choice of a partner should be the one with the most "taqwa" (piety). The prophet recommended the suitors see each other before going through with marriage. It is unreasonable for two people to be thrown together and be expected to relate and be intimate when they know nothing of each other. The couple are permitted to look at each other with a critical eye and not a lustful one. This ruling does not contradict the ayah which says that believing men and women should lower their gaze.

- The couple, however are not permitted to be alone in a closed room or go out together alone. As the hadith says "when a man and a woman are together alone, there is a third presence i.e. shaitan.

- There is no concept of courtship in Islam as it is practised in the west. There is no dating or living in defacto relationship or trying each other out before they commit to each other seriously. There is to be no physical relationship what so ever before marriage. The romantic notions that young people often have, have proven in most cases to be unrealistic and harmful to those involved. We only have to look at the alarming divorce rate in the west to understand this point. e.g. the couple know each other for years, are intimate, live together and so on yet somehow this does not guarantee the success of the future marriage. Romance and love simply do not equal a everlasting bond between two people.

Fact: Romance and love die out very quickly when we have to deal in the real world. The unrealistic expectations that young people have is what often contributes to the failure of their relationship.

- The west make fun of the Islamic way of marriage in particular arranged marriage, yet the irony is that statistically arranged marriages prove to be more successful and lasting than romantic types of courtship.

This is because people are blinded by the physical attraction and thus do not choose the compatible partner.

Love blinds people to potential problems in the relationship. There is an Arabic saying: which says "the mirror of love is blind, it makes zucchini into okra". Arranged marriages on the other hand, are based not on physical attraction or romantic notions but rather on critical evaluation of the compatibility of the couple.

This is why they often prove successful.

Consent of parties.

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There is a halal arranged marriage and a haram one. It is OK to arrange marriages by suggestion and recommendation as long as both parties are agreeable. The other arranged marriage is when parents choose the future spouse and the couple concerned are forced or have no choice in the matter.

One of the conditions of a valid marriage is consent of the couple.

Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people.

The choice of a partner by a Muslim virgin girl is subject to the approval of the father or guardian under Maliki school. This is to safeguard her welfare and interests. The prophet said "the widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is obtained. The prophet did revoke the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.

The husband/wife relationship.

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-The wifes rights - the Husbands obligations.

(1) Maintenance

The husband is responsible for the wifes maintenance. This right is established by authority of the Qur'an and the sunnah. It is inconsequen tial whether the wife is a Muslim , non-Muslim, rich, poor, healthy or sick. A component of his role as "qawam" (leader) is to bear the financial responsibility of the family in a generous way so that his wife may be assured security and thus perform her role devotedly.

The wifes maintenance entails her right to lodging, clothing, food and general care, like medication, hospital bills etc. He must lodge her where he resides himself according to his means. The wifes lodge must be adequate so as to ensure her privacy, comfort and independence.

If a wife has been used to a maid or is unable to attend to her household duties, it is the husbands duty to provide her with a maid if he can afford to do so. The prophet is reported to have said: The best Muslim is one who is the best husband.

(2) "Mahr "

The wife is entitled to a marriage gift that is her own. This may be prompt or deferred depending on the agreement between the parties. A marriage is not valid without mahr. It does not have to be money or gold. It can be non-material like teaching her to read the Qur'an. " Mahr" is a gift from the groom to the bride. This is the Islamic law, unlike some cultures whereby the brides parents pay the future husband to marry the daughter. This practice degrades women and is contrary to the spirit of Islam. There is no specification in the Qur'an as to what or how much the Mahr has to be. It depends on the parties involved.

(3) Non-material rights.

A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, respect her feelings and show kindness and consideration, especially if he has another wife. The prophet last sermon stresses kindness to women.

The wife obligations - the Husbands rights.

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One of the main duties of the wife is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage. She must be attentive to the comfort and wellbeing of her husband. The Qur'anic ayah which illustrates this point is:

"Our lord, grant us wives and offspring who will be the apples of our eyes and guide us to be models for the righteous"

The wife must be faithful, trustworthy and honest she must not deceive her husband by deliberately avoiding contraception. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband right i.e. sexual intimacy. She must not receive or entertain strange males in the house without his knowledge and consent. She should not be alone with a strange male. She should not accept gifts from other men without his approval. This is meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion and gossip. The husband possessions are her trust. She may not dispose of his belongings without his permission.

A wife should make herself sexually attractive to her husband and be responsive to his advances. The wife must not refuse her husband sexually as this can lead to marital problems and worse still - tempt the man to adultery. The husband of course should take into account the wifes health and general consideration should be given.

Obedience.

^^^^^^^^^

The purpose of obedience in the relationship is to keep the family unit running as smoothly as possible. The man has been given the right to be obeyed because he is the leader and not because he is superior. If a leader is not obeyed , his leadership will become invalid -Imagine a king or a teacher or a parent without the necessary authority which has been entrusted to them.

Obedience does not mean blind obedience. It is subject to conditions:

(a) It is required only if what is asked from the wife is within the permissible categories of action.

(b) It must be maintained only with regard to matters that fall under the husband rights.

Guidelines For The Husband In Islam

Guidelines for the Husband in Interacting with his Wife

The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations.

Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective.

Etiquettes of the husband:

1. It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.

2. It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.

3. The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly, the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best of mankind in the view of Islaam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply imbedded into the daily marital life, even at the time of divorce.

4. Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.

5. From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.

6. The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass free time with his wife.

7. The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them. For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.

8. There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundaments of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.

9. And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others personality. And he should also remember that if there are some characteristics that he doesn't find pleasing in his wife, then indeed she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.

10. Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.

11. Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife's easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.

12. If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.

13. Do not give little importance to implementing the punishment required for any acts in opposition to the Religion, which your wife has committed, whether it is in the home or outside it. This should be the main reason that causes you to become angry, thus no other reason should affect you (besides this one).

14. What has been stated previously does not mean that you should leave matters alone until that result comes to happen. Thus, whenever you realize that a matter is left alone, weigh it with seriousness and determination, without being too harsh or rude about it.

15. The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.

16. Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.

17. If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these matters do not befit an exemplary husband.

18. Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.

19. Entering the house: Do not alarm your family by entering upon them suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to remember Allaah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.

20. Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.

21. Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.

22. Guardianship of your wife doesn't mean that you can exploit what Allaah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.

23. Showing respect and kindness to your wife's family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with them).

24. Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much with your wife.

25. Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting married.

26. When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech. And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your children.

27. It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.

28. Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak woman.

29. There is nothing in the obligation of a woman's service to her husband that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the spouses.

Etiquettes Of A Good Husband In Islam

AUTHOR: Dr. Marwwan Al-Qaisee
SOURCE: Al-Asaalah Magazine
PRODUCED BY: Al-Ibaanah.com

Image by millzero.com via Flickr

The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations.

Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective.

Etiquettes of the husband:

1. It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.

2. It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.

3. The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly, the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best of mankind in the view of Islaam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply imbedded into the daily marital life, even at the time of divorce.

4. Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.

5. From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.

6. The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass free time with his wife.

7. The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them. For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.

8. There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundaments of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.

9. And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others personality. And he should also remember that if there are some characteristics that he doesn't find pleasing in his wife, then indeed she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.

10. Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.

11. Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife's easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.

12. If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.

13. Do not give little importance to implementing the punishment required for any acts in opposition to the Religion, which your wife has committed, whether it is in the home or outside it. This should be the main reason that causes you to become angry, thus no other reason should affect you (besides this one).

14. What has been stated previously does not mean that you should leave matters alone until that result comes to happen. Thus, whenever you realize that a matter is left alone, weigh it with seriousness and determination, without being too harsh or rude about it.

15. The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.

16. Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.

17. If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these matters do not befit an exemplary husband.

18. Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.

19. Entering the house: Do not alarm your family by entering upon them suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to remember Allaah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.

20. Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.

21. Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.

22. Guardianship of your wife doesn't mean that you can exploit what Allaah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.

23. Showing respect and kindness to your wife's family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with them).

24. Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much with your wife.

25. Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting married.

26. When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech. And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your children.

27. It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.

28. Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak woman.

29. There is nothing in the obligation of a woman's service to her husband that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the spouses.

Fashion? I Dont Really Care..

So i see my post got your eye, huh? Well let me explain. Other than being in the home i have no reason, nor desire to attract attention. My husband buys me the best of everything when he can, and takes me shopping at such stores like Macy's, Saks, and the like.. but i refuse to let him spend his hard earned money on material things like clothes when i can find almost the exact same thing at an outlet store, target, or wherever else they have sales.. besides i have 2 kids.. Every now and then i will let him buy me something expensive (at least to me) and he gets so excited, that i will actually let him spoil me.. and he tells me he cant wait to see it on me at home..

I'd rather the money be spent on things for the house like candles,incense, cleaners ( Yes i love cleaning and making the house smell good),new things for my daughters room (comforters, sheets etc.)

I get happiness from life's simple pleasures. But i can say that if there was/were particular thing/things that i loved.. it would be good perfume (that i only wear in the house for my hubby.. *not with company and not outside) makeup, and lingerie. (yeah didnt you know your supposed to "dress up" for your hubby) besides if you don't maybe he will seek to look outside ( i dont mean cheating silly i mean LOOKING)
used to have problems in that area.. but since dressing nice for hubby EVERY night, putting on perfume, and makeup i havtn noticed him "LOOKING"..

Yeah there are times i see certain things that are in fashion such as this seasons maxi dress and i think wow, how cute i want that.. BUT they HAVE ALWAYS been out every spring/summer.. and i ALWAYS buy them because you can buy them 1 size bigger for a looses flowy fit, and put a loose cardigan over top and voila perfect outfit for those hot days.. and actually that is what i wore last March for my wedding.. a nice maxi dress, dressy cardigan, and sandals.. and i didnt hear people raving about it then. so fashions come and go.. and sometimes i become interested.. but i dont try and take something like skinny jeans and "hijabify them" but i guess that may beacuse i am a thicky thick girl.. and i want to cover up my curves.. not show them off.. hard to do when you got a bum, and legs like me (frowns a little)

Oh Well Alhamdulilah.. My hubby loves me just then way i am.. and really thats the only thing that matters!!!