Triggers, backsliding, and marital life

Assalamu Alaikum (Peace and blessings be upon you)

 I have triggers- triggers that make me jealous (not in a "I want your stuff, or I want your looks kind of way) but in a my husband is mine- flaws and all and any woman that takes his time, distracts him, or flirts is essentially taking a part of my life (and my time) because my husband is my life- as we share a life and family together.

from my understanding it is known as:

"protective jealousy"- and actually that pretty much sums up the feelings I have in regards to when the triggers hit, and I may or may not (more often than not) get anxiety at the thought of another woman taking something that is not hers *in real life scenarios and not made up stories in my head. I am obviously not talking about family members.

My problem- over the years I have grown very protective of what is in my home, and what we (as a family) can control. I obviously can not control women who are outside (at work, at the store etc) flirting with my husband, asking for his number etc but we (Yes, we) control how we respond to those scenarios, and last but not least I have become quite protective of what is watched/seen in my home (not just due to protective jealousy but because I don't want my children exposed to indecent things) so I have many extensions on google chrome (which is all we use) and ad blocks. We only ever watch cartoons,  documentaries,  news, and religious sites/videos.

The bigger problem is due to discovery of what I have come to find out as (mostly) "normal marital conflicts and media usage" over the years (when I was much more lenient to what my husband and I watched) it is my belief that certain things made him more curious to what is available on the net

this is not a slander/attack post I just need to be more specific

there was at a few point and times pornographic materials being seen (not on my end)

I have forgiven whatever was, and to my knowledge it was never an issue of addiction
but it has affected me severely: emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I would even go as far to say that it has negatively affected our marriage in a big way because the trust that was once there isn't the same- there is always that nagging that (because it happened many times) it will happen again and despite forgiveness that disappointment, feeling broken hearted along with the anxiety that accompanied it has never went away. Being scared that those images, and videos would result in something worse (as if the images and videos weren't bad enough)

I know that Islamically speaking it is haram- and for most religions anyway, pornographic materials are a sin.

There is a wisdom, behind that and although we shouldn't question the boundaries set forth by the Almighty, sometimes as humans we wonder.

We get curious, we make excuses, we stray and in the end we suffer.

All of us have our weaknesses, I am no more stronger than my counterpart. I am not sinless. I struggle just as anyone. My struggles may be different, but I am not "better" by any means.

The protective jealousy in the beginning was a feeling to protect, to guard what is mine and help him guard what is his. To not deny him his rights, and to respect him regardless of his weaknesses.

With time it made me angry, ungrateful, suspicious, spying, anxious, and hurt. It affected my eman greatly but not because of the things he did or choices he made, but because of how I let those thoughts and feelings control me. After time those thoughts, and emotions became actual feelings and then I could feel its affects physically. Anxiety became normal. At times I thought I would have a heart attack or go into a stress induced coma of sorts. I am NOT being overly dramatic- that is exactly how I felt, and sometimes I wanted to not exist. I thought that his weaknesses meant I was not attractive, not loved, useless. It hurt me so deeply, and it still sometimes does but not nearly as bad. It went too far!

Now, even when a woman on a news website that my husband may brief through is showing partial cleavage or worse she's in a short dress with her cleavage hanging out- I get anxiety. It may sound silly- but it's not only true but at times can get very serious and real- It's worse with women wearing less. Which is why we can't watch movies or t.v shows or barely aljazeera because now a days it is VERY hard to watch anything without something of partial nudity (showing of parts of the body)

It starts with rapid heart beat, a "scared" feeling than I want to go into full protect mode- I don't want him seeing that- even if he is not actually looking but even images is enough for me to "lose it" inside. I can not explain the amount of emotional torture this makes me feel at times. It hurts very much and the pain is  very REAL. There are times I go into a depression, crying for hours sometimes throughout the day on/off for a few days then my mind goes back to the things which I know he looked at and it makes me feel maybe I will never let it go, and maybe we can't stay married because I want to trust him but I don't feel like he has abandoned those urges of curiosity to see other women naked.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to dislike myself, or dislike him for his mistakes. I don't want this anxiety or feelings. I don't want to feel like I am controlling him.

I couldn't sleep last night- so I called him and I don't know why but that anxiety was there- without reason and I started to ask too many questions and upset him. (he works 4pm- 4am) which also has affected our marriage and my suspicions and anxiety. When he's home at night I don't have nearly as many "episodes" and we don't have nearly as many problems but that is for another post.

anyways he became upset and said he was moving out.. which I expected. We more or less ended our conversation and I went to bed. When he got home he came to kiss my forehead, and hold my hand and although I couldn't make out what his words meant he was making dua for me while I lay there half asleep. I woke up to a clean kitchen (I left the kitchen in disarray as what happens sometimes when anxiety hits and I get distracted my thoughts/feelings) I have never neglected my children, my obligations but occasionally will neglect a single room in our house because cleaning while upset makes me more upset. (that is also for another time)


- I feel terrible. He made many mistakes in our marriage as did I. He doesn't push those mistakes in my face, and I really dislike myself for making him feel imprisoned (we can't even watch a movie) and always with questions and suspicions. I really do love him, and I know he loves me otherwise he would have left.I can't imagine being on the reciprocating end of that. To be questioned, accused or to have past experiences used as examples as to why A B C..

I AM working on it. I am not nearly as bad as I used to be. I know I will NEVER be okay with my husband looking at another women without clothing (even if she's in her underwear) and that's okay with me.. I just don't want to be suspicious or allow myself to spy on him "calming my anxiety" for the time being.. what started at something good "protective jealousy" has turned into something that I let consume me, and is no longer protective as much as it is controlling.

I just wanted to be honest..

I do think the experiences I had with the unseen also contributed quite a bit with the extreme feelings and obsessive thoughts I had (which is a topic for another post) but I want to trust him, to trust myself.. to let him be himself even if that means he will makes mistakes - I make mistakes- we all make mistakes. To learn how to cope with triggers, and backsliding into a emotional mess, and to focus on bettering my faith, and my marital life.... one step at a time



May Allah SWT guide me to what is better, and help me overcome my fears, anxiety and trust issues. Ameen!

How To Deal With Those That Commit Adultery: Fatwa: Islamonline.net

Muslims who commit grave sins are still believers as long as they did not commit an act that amounts to disbelief in Almighty Allah who says in the Qur'an: [Surely Allah does not forgive that anything should be associated with Him, and He forgives what is besides this to whom He pleases…](An-Nisaa’4: 116).

Therefore, we have to deal with them as Muslims and never lose hope in reforming them, since the door of repentance is wide open and Almighty Allah may guide them to the straight path.

We do not have the right to mistreat or dishonor them; however, our duties towards them are to give advice, guide, and remind them of Allah's punishment and that death comes suddenly and that this life is short. If they respond to our advice, we have to thank Almighty Allah, but if they insist on wrongdoing, we should realize that we are only advisors, not judges. Almighty Allah says in the Qur'an: [The duty of the messenger is only to convey (the message). Allah knoweth what ye proclaim and what ye hide.](Al-Ma’idah5: 99) And, He also says for Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him)[Thereforedoremind, for you are only a reminder. You are not a watcher over them.](Al-Ghashiyah88: 21-22)

In his response to your question, Dr. Salah Sultan, president of the American Center for Islamic Research, Columbus, Ohio, and Member of the European Council for Fatwa and Research, states:

Since they are not in a Muslim country, you have no other option but to advise them and invite them gently to give up these sins. If they respond positively, they should be told to make a contract of marriage to change this relationship into one that is halal. We cannot label them as kafir because of their sinfulness; that is not the attitude a Muslim should take towards people who are not following the right path.

A Muslim is supposed to follow the example of the man mentioned in SuratAl-Kahf. When this man saw that his friend had disbelieved, he started questioning him gently: [His companion said to him, in the course of the argument with him: "Do you deny Him Who created you out of the dust, then out of a sperm-drop, then fashioned you into a man?" But (I think) for my part that He is Allah, my Lord, and none shall I associate with my Lord.](Al-Kahf 18:37-38)

So, he argued with his friend gently and started inviting him to give up disbelieving in Almighty Allah. We should take the same approach with the people mentioned in the question.

Showing Off Fatwa: Islamonline.net

Sincerity is the essence of worshipping Almighty Allah. However, it is easier said than done. Man is always tempted to be praised and commended. Gaining favor with people for being religious and pious, and thus, enjoying their trust and respect, drives many people to talk about their acts of worship and use them as means of publicity.

Answering this question, Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid, a prominent Saudi Muslim lecturer and author, said:

If a person wants to stop himself from showing off, he has to do the following things to be rid of this problem:

1. Be always mindful that Almighty Allah is ever watchful over His servants: This is the status of ihsan which the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) mentioned to Jibreel (peace be upon him), defining it as “to worship Allah as if you can see Him, and even though you cannot see Him, He can see you.” (Muslim)

When a person feels that Almighty Allah is always watching him, what other people think will become insignificant, and this will make him respect and fear Almighty Allah alone.

2. Seeking the help of Allah to rid himself of the habit of showing off: Almighty Allah says that the believers should say: (You (Alone) we worship, and You (Alone) we ask for help.) (Al-Fatihah 1:5) One of the things that will be of benefit in this matter is seeking the help of Almighty Allah and calling upon Him. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “O people, beware of shirk, for it is more subtle than the footsteps of an ant." The one whom Almighty Allah willed should speak, said to him, “How can we beware of it when it is more subtle than the footsteps of an ant, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Say, Allaahumma innaa na`oodhu bika min an nushrika bika shay’an na`lamuhu wa nastaghfiruka limaa laa na`lam (O Allah, we seek refuge with You from knowingly associating anything with You, and we seek Your forgiveness for that which we do unknowingly).” (Ahmad)

3. Knowing the consequences of showing off and how it will be judged in the Hereafter: Not knowing this leads a person to fall into this sin or persisting in it. The person should realize that showing off destroys all his actions (i.e., cancels out the reward), and that it incurs the wrath of Almighty Allah. The wise person does not waste his energy in doing things that do not bring any reward, let alone deeds that incur the wrath and anger of Almighty Allah.

One of the greatest hadiths concerning the punishment in the Hereafter of those who show off is the following, in which the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“When the Day of Resurrection comes, Allah, may He be blessed and exalted, will come to judge between His slaves, and every nation will be kneeling. The first ones to be called forth will be a man who learned the Qur’an by heart, a man who fought for the sake of Allah, and a man who had a lot of wealth. Allah will say to the Qur’an-reader, ‘Did I not teach you that which I revealed to My Messenger?’ He will say, ‘Yes, O Lord.’ He will say, ‘What did you do with that which I taught you?’ He will say, ‘I used to read it night and day.’ Allah will say to him, ‘You have lied,’ and the angels will say to him, ‘You have lied.’ Allah will say, ‘Rather you wanted it to be said that so and so is a reader of the Qur’an, and that is what was said.’ Then the wealthy man will be brought forth, and Allah will say to him, ‘Did I not give you ample provision so that I did not leave you in need of anybody?’ He will say, ‘Yes, O Lord.’ He will say, ‘What did you do with that which I gave you?’ He will say, ‘I used to keep the ties of kinship and give in charity.’ Allah will say to him, ‘You have lied,’ and the angels will say to him, ‘You have lied.’ Allah will say, ‘Rather you wanted it to be said that so and so is generous, and that is what was said.’ Then the one who was killed for the sake of Allah will be brought forth and Allah will say to him, ‘Why were you killed?’ He will say, ‘I was commanded to fight in Jihad for Your sake, so I fought until I was killed.’ Allah will say to him, ‘You have lied,’ and the angels will say to him, ‘You have lied.’ Allah will say, ‘You wanted it to be said that so and so was courageous, and that is what was said.’” Then the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) struck my knee, and said, “O Abu Hurairah, these three are the first of the creation of Allah who will be dragged into the Fire on the Day of Resurrection.” (Al-Tirmidhi, Ibn Hibban, and Ibn Khuzaymah)

4. Thinking about the punishment in this world for showing off: Just as there will be a punishment in the Hereafter for showing off, there is also a punishment for it in this world, which is that Allah will expose him and make his bad intentions known to others. This is one of the interpretations of the hadith of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him): “Whoever shows off, Allah will expose him.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Ibn Hajar said: Al-Khattabi said that this means: Whoever does something that is not sincerely for the sake of Allah, merely wanting people to see him and hear him, will be punished for that – Allah will expose him and make known what he is concealing.

5. Concealing worship and not making a display of it: The further away a person gets from places where his worship can be seen, the safer he is from showing off. Whoever looks for places where people gather, Satan makes him keen to show off his worship so that they will praise him for it.

The acts of worship which should be hidden are those which are not obligatory or those in which it is not the Sunnah to do them openly, such as Qiyam Al-Layl, and giving charity. This does not apply to giving the Adhan, praying in congregation and other things which cannot and should not – according to Shari`ah – be hidden.

We ask Almighty Allah to make our words and deeds sincere, and to forgive us if we ever show off.

What Nullifies Ones Faith? Fatwa: Islamonline.net

Image via Wikipedia

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear brother in Islam, thanks for your question. May Allah safeguard us against the nullifiers of faith.

Beliefs dwell in the heart, but undeniably appear in one's practices. Thus, Iman (the Islamic faith) manifests itself in the Muslim's practices which usually reveal the degree of his faith. There are many inward and outward factors that contribute to its increase or decrease. Certain beliefs and acts contradict Islamic faith and thus a Muslim has to be aware of and totally estrange himself from being involved in them.

Responding to this question, AMJA online Jurisprudence Section, stated:

The nullifiers of faith (nawaqid al-iman) are those things that invalidate, falsify and negate it. Apostasy nullifies faith just as ablution (wudu') is nullified by ritual impurity.

The most important nullifiers of faith are:

1 – Associating partners with Allah in Lordship

2 – Associating partners with Allah in worship

3 – Associating partners with Allah in His Divine Names & Attributes

4 – Objecting to, looking down to or denial, rejection or making mockery of the rules of Shari`ah.

A person who nullifies his faith exits the fold of Islam, if he insists on his attitude after being informed and after the proof has been made clear to him.

Consequently, his marriage contract becomes annulled, and therefore, his wife becomes no longer lawful for him after his apostasy. If he dies on disbelief, all his deeds will be in vain as Allah the Most High said, (And whosoever of you turns back from his religion and dies as a disbeliever, the deeds of these people will be lost in this life and in the Hereafter, and they will be the dwellers of the Fire; they will abide therein forever.)(Al-Baqarah 2:217)

Moreover, his repentance will not be accepted once death has approached him, as Allah the Most High said, (Verily, for those who disbelieved after their belief, and then went on increasing in their disbelief – never will their repentance be accepted [because they repent only with their tongues, not with their hearts]. And they are those who are astray.)(Aal-Imran 3:90)

Furthermore, there is no inheritance between such a person and his Muslim family and relatives as the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said; "A Muslim does not inherit from a disbeliever, nor does a disbeliever inherit from a Muslim." (Bukhari and Muslim) He also deserves the Divinely-ordained punishment for the apostate if there is a Muslim state that applies such penalty.

The Prayer of the one who has nullified his faith is also invalid for the same reasons.

However, these aforementioned rules and consequences of nullifying the faith do not apply – as we have said – until the textual proofs has been made clear to the apostate, he has been asked to repent, the misconceptions which have driven him to nullify his faith have been removed, it has been checked that the conditions are applicable and there is absolutely nothing to prevent this specific person from being declared a disbeliever.

The factors preventing a specific Muslim from being declared a disbeliever are many. Among them are: ignorance, falling under compulsion, holding improper interpretation, error and lack of intent.

Furthermore, establishing the proof against him is quite relative. The proof may be established against one person but not against the other. It may be established by one person and not by the other. It is not necessary when the proof has been established against a particular person that it will automatically be established against each and every Muslim in the world.

The basic rule in terms of establishing the proof is that this should be done by someone in authority, such as a scholar qualified to make ijtihad, or an a Muslim ruler, such as a Shari`ah judge in Islamic societies, and the like.

It is necessary to be highly careful in this respect, for it is less serious for a Muslim to err in judging an apostate to be a Muslim than to err in expelling a Muslim from the fold of Islam.