Abadoned

Assalamu Alaikum!

So sad to see a lot of blogs I used to follow are abandoned- no blog posts for years! Do many people still blog..or is everyone now writing everything on facebook ..?? I find blogging much more beneficial..

Another thing.. it REALLY bothers me to see people writing EVERYTHING on facebook~ Do people not get it gets to be annoying reading about everything you do in a day!? Leave some mystery.. sure I vent on blogger but I don't write about how often I cook, what I am cooking, when I go to bathroom, Doctors appointments for myself and children, etc etc etc.. It's really pitiful that people are so open these days.. Okay so I am your facebook "friend" but I don't know you IRL (In Real Life) you may be a friend of a friend.. So silly! I don't do that on any social media site.. maybe bits and pieces.. but come on!!

opinions..?? 

Headaches and henna

Assalamu Alaikum!

The last year or so I have had so many headaches usually at least once a week but more often than not 2 or 3 a week and sometimes they last for 2-3 days and no amount of pain relievers will work.. I have my eyes examined annually as I do wear both contact lenses and glasses (although as of now my glasses are broke) and I'm thinking it may have a lot to do with stress, and maybe diet as well..?? They get extremely bad and have even caused me to feel as if someone has punched me in the head repeatedly, and it also causes vomiting and when I get them and THAT bad they are not only intolerable but I feel I am suffering! SubhanAllah The worst is at beginning of day to drop 2 kids off at school (back at home with 3 younger ones) and all the noise. and lights make me feel worse and when I go to bed early with having taken some form of pain reliever and waking up with the headache still there or worse.. I need to make a Doctor appointment to find out what's wrong.. hopefully a solution to all these migraines!

As of now have a very mild headache Alhamdulilah and sitting here with henna on my eyebrows.. which IMO looks more natural than coloring them in with eyeliner... and lasts longer!!

Do any of you suffer from frequent migraines or use henna on your eyebrows?? post a comment!

Of things forgotten

Assalamu Alaikum!

So I have been super stressed out lately and although I am still trying to be positive, and blog positive but find myself venting more.

 this is not so much as a vent as a question of my sanity and where has it gone

"Where O where has my sanity gone, O where or where can it be. I have forgotten things, and I'm really stressed out.. O where O where can it be"....

I am forgetting things-

I try to keep a schedule and with everything on my mind I get stressed out (which is normal when you have 5 kids, and trying to balance everything)

BUT

Several things have happened within the last few weeks causing me to question my stress level.

WARNING: THIS MAY GET TO BE TMI ADVANCE AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION

Yesterday, I had to do errands while having my woman's days so I opted for "cotton with a string".. instead of the flat diaper with wings.. after coming home putting away groceries, getting lunch together, cleaning.. I go to bathroom and with having NO RECOLLECTION of removing the cotton with string, later  to check out what my flow was like (to know when to expect to be able to make ghusl/pray) *something I usually always monitor..

I find no cotton with string, no diaper with wings and I wasn't even having an leakage issues which is beyond strange because by day 3, I am still usually going pretty steady.. so then I start to panic- what if the strings got lodged up there along with the cotton bit.. what if I can't get it out.. I started crying because I do not remember going to the bathroom prior to this- (not counting prior to run errands because I know I out one in) If I take the cotton out I replace it with the pad I don't just let myself go "free" especially on day 3.... so I calm down realize there is no string, nothing there- replace it with a pad . 

The biggest problem in this is I don't even remember going to the bathroom between the time prior to getting ready to run errands, and checking my flow.. 

(I know, I know, TMI) *your shaking your head thinking this woman is nuts talking about this..

The point is I have no iota of recollection of that particular memory/activity which put me in even more of a panic.. It's as if the cotton with string disappeared and due to not even putting something else in it's place made me question it even more- where did that time go.. and why can I NOT remember!?

This is not the first time it has happened but first time in regards to my "woman's days"..

I have also forgotten a lot of things the past few weeks as in not forgotten to do something but completely do not even have it as a recollection of something I did- like it never even happened and that time can not be accounted for!?

So the whole point of this was to ask whether or not anyone has experienced this.. (forgotten a period of time or an activity and not even recollect that it has happened)

I am not yet 30, and although stress is common I'm usually okay at dealing with it, anxiety is also another problem I have frequently but actually forgetting that I have done something (when I did it) but I don't even remember ..

So let me be very clear- I am NOT forgetting to do something.. it is that I do things and don't even remember doing them..

Examples would be : You have just done the dishes prior to bed with a ton on your mind, stressed out and thinking about the next days events.. you go to bed NOT remembering you have done the dishes and then go back into the kitchen to do the dishes (because let's face it waking up early having to dishes sucks) and your like .. wait.. the dishes are done.. I don't even remember doing them.. when did I do them.. !? Something like this.. you did it- but have no recollection at all of doing it..

 so strange!!!

I think I may have made my point, I am just hoping I am not actually losing my sanity and this is something "normal" under stress... 

Triggers, backsliding, and marital life

Assalamu Alaikum (Peace and blessings be upon you)

 I have triggers- triggers that make me jealous (not in a "I want your stuff, or I want your looks kind of way) but in a my husband is mine- flaws and all and any woman that takes his time, distracts him, or flirts is essentially taking a part of my life (and my time) because my husband is my life- as we share a life and family together.

from my understanding it is known as:

"protective jealousy"- and actually that pretty much sums up the feelings I have in regards to when the triggers hit, and I may or may not (more often than not) get anxiety at the thought of another woman taking something that is not hers *in real life scenarios and not made up stories in my head. I am obviously not talking about family members.

My problem- over the years I have grown very protective of what is in my home, and what we (as a family) can control. I obviously can not control women who are outside (at work, at the store etc) flirting with my husband, asking for his number etc but we (Yes, we) control how we respond to those scenarios, and last but not least I have become quite protective of what is watched/seen in my home (not just due to protective jealousy but because I don't want my children exposed to indecent things) so I have many extensions on google chrome (which is all we use) and ad blocks. We only ever watch cartoons,  documentaries,  news, and religious sites/videos.

The bigger problem is due to discovery of what I have come to find out as (mostly) "normal marital conflicts and media usage" over the years (when I was much more lenient to what my husband and I watched) it is my belief that certain things made him more curious to what is available on the net

this is not a slander/attack post I just need to be more specific

there was at a few point and times pornographic materials being seen (not on my end)

I have forgiven whatever was, and to my knowledge it was never an issue of addiction
but it has affected me severely: emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I would even go as far to say that it has negatively affected our marriage in a big way because the trust that was once there isn't the same- there is always that nagging that (because it happened many times) it will happen again and despite forgiveness that disappointment, feeling broken hearted along with the anxiety that accompanied it has never went away. Being scared that those images, and videos would result in something worse (as if the images and videos weren't bad enough)

I know that Islamically speaking it is haram- and for most religions anyway, pornographic materials are a sin.

There is a wisdom, behind that and although we shouldn't question the boundaries set forth by the Almighty, sometimes as humans we wonder.

We get curious, we make excuses, we stray and in the end we suffer.

All of us have our weaknesses, I am no more stronger than my counterpart. I am not sinless. I struggle just as anyone. My struggles may be different, but I am not "better" by any means.

The protective jealousy in the beginning was a feeling to protect, to guard what is mine and help him guard what is his. To not deny him his rights, and to respect him regardless of his weaknesses.

With time it made me angry, ungrateful, suspicious, spying, anxious, and hurt. It affected my eman greatly but not because of the things he did or choices he made, but because of how I let those thoughts and feelings control me. After time those thoughts, and emotions became actual feelings and then I could feel its affects physically. Anxiety became normal. At times I thought I would have a heart attack or go into a stress induced coma of sorts. I am NOT being overly dramatic- that is exactly how I felt, and sometimes I wanted to not exist. I thought that his weaknesses meant I was not attractive, not loved, useless. It hurt me so deeply, and it still sometimes does but not nearly as bad. It went too far!

Now, even when a woman on a news website that my husband may brief through is showing partial cleavage or worse she's in a short dress with her cleavage hanging out- I get anxiety. It may sound silly- but it's not only true but at times can get very serious and real- It's worse with women wearing less. Which is why we can't watch movies or t.v shows or barely aljazeera because now a days it is VERY hard to watch anything without something of partial nudity (showing of parts of the body)

It starts with rapid heart beat, a "scared" feeling than I want to go into full protect mode- I don't want him seeing that- even if he is not actually looking but even images is enough for me to "lose it" inside. I can not explain the amount of emotional torture this makes me feel at times. It hurts very much and the pain is  very REAL. There are times I go into a depression, crying for hours sometimes throughout the day on/off for a few days then my mind goes back to the things which I know he looked at and it makes me feel maybe I will never let it go, and maybe we can't stay married because I want to trust him but I don't feel like he has abandoned those urges of curiosity to see other women naked.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to dislike myself, or dislike him for his mistakes. I don't want this anxiety or feelings. I don't want to feel like I am controlling him.

I couldn't sleep last night- so I called him and I don't know why but that anxiety was there- without reason and I started to ask too many questions and upset him. (he works 4pm- 4am) which also has affected our marriage and my suspicions and anxiety. When he's home at night I don't have nearly as many "episodes" and we don't have nearly as many problems but that is for another post.

anyways he became upset and said he was moving out.. which I expected. We more or less ended our conversation and I went to bed. When he got home he came to kiss my forehead, and hold my hand and although I couldn't make out what his words meant he was making dua for me while I lay there half asleep. I woke up to a clean kitchen (I left the kitchen in disarray as what happens sometimes when anxiety hits and I get distracted my thoughts/feelings) I have never neglected my children, my obligations but occasionally will neglect a single room in our house because cleaning while upset makes me more upset. (that is also for another time)


- I feel terrible. He made many mistakes in our marriage as did I. He doesn't push those mistakes in my face, and I really dislike myself for making him feel imprisoned (we can't even watch a movie) and always with questions and suspicions. I really do love him, and I know he loves me otherwise he would have left.I can't imagine being on the reciprocating end of that. To be questioned, accused or to have past experiences used as examples as to why A B C..

I AM working on it. I am not nearly as bad as I used to be. I know I will NEVER be okay with my husband looking at another women without clothing (even if she's in her underwear) and that's okay with me.. I just don't want to be suspicious or allow myself to spy on him "calming my anxiety" for the time being.. what started at something good "protective jealousy" has turned into something that I let consume me, and is no longer protective as much as it is controlling.

I just wanted to be honest..

I do think the experiences I had with the unseen also contributed quite a bit with the extreme feelings and obsessive thoughts I had (which is a topic for another post) but I want to trust him, to trust myself.. to let him be himself even if that means he will makes mistakes - I make mistakes- we all make mistakes. To learn how to cope with triggers, and backsliding into a emotional mess, and to focus on bettering my faith, and my marital life.... one step at a time



May Allah SWT guide me to what is better, and help me overcome my fears, anxiety and trust issues. Ameen!

A long break

 Assalamu Alaikum (Peace and blessings be upon you)

I took a long break from blogging to give myself time to process my feelings, and let some things go.

Things are pretty great Alhamdulilah! My kids all back home ~ my son back from Egypt since April 2014 and the 2 older children are in school ( nearly 8, and 5) while my nearly 4 year old and 2.5 yr old twins continue to keep me busy but very fulfilled and grateful for life.

My husband who I left (yet again) back in July for 6 weeks said everything he could to TRY to get me back home, but it was his actions that brought me back. I was loving the fact that he was working days and at home at night for 2 months but the early morning start hours got to him and so when he had an optional switch- he opted to go back on working late afternoons until early morning which really sucks because I miss him, the kids miss him and we get along much better when he's at home with me at night and I don't have to sleep alone.

I miss blogging daily (or the most part weekly) and just letting it all come out ~ to release it

to breathe a little better after I posted.

I want to blog again. I want to say what's on my mind without fear of being scolded, or ignored.

I want to let go.

No more long breaks.

 I found for the most part it is essential to my mental state, giving me more clarity, and peace of mind to be able to say whatever it is I wish to say.

I am very grateful for what I have. A new chance at family, living, and a new chance at learning, adapting, or changing. A new chance work on me.

A long break is what I needed, but now I need to write.